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RHYMES AND REASONS
The Rhyme of the Basement Mariners
Eulogizing one of the worst teams in major league history; Plus: Batter Up

by Greg Asimakoupoulos
September 26, 2008

The Rhyme of the Basement Mariners
Eulogizing one of the worst teams in major league history.

One team is two disgusting
to describe in PG words.
Three outs may well end an inning,
but the bleeding's undeterred.

Four balls let you walk to first base.
Putz will likely take the fifth.
Even Niehaus needs a six pack
to pretend the truth's a myth.

Seventh inning stretches used to
be a time to celebrate.
But this year the game's decided
before inning number eight.

While it's true cats have nine chances
to bounce back before they die,
our team's dead. They're cellar dwellers.
With their payroll we ask WHY?

As they usually say at Wrigley,
"Just you wait until next year!"
But that seems too trite at Safeco.
We need major changes here.

* J. J. Putz is the Mariners' erratic closer. Last year he was a hero with 40 saves. This year Putz has been anything but a hero.

** Dave Niehaus has been the Mariners' play-by-play announcer since the team's debut in the American League in 1977. This past summer he was inducted in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame as one of the best baseball broadcasters of all time.

*** The 2008 Mariners are the first major league team with a payroll of over $100 million to lose at least 100 games in a season.
 

Batter Up
A creative alternative to presidential debates.

Forget debates. Let's have a slug fest
in historic Fenway Park.
Who can clear the big Green Monster?
Grab a bat and eye the mark.
 
"Mick" McCain can't reach the fences.
Something 'bout an injury.
Says he got it as a prisoner
standing up for liberty.
 
All the same he has the knowledge
how to loft a ball that far.
Having been around the bases,
he's the only real all-star.
 
"Babe" Obama sure looks pretty
in his well-pressed baseball pants.
But he just stands there (bat on shoulder)
in his "Aren't I handsome?" stance.
 
Neither one has home run power.
Still let's watch them try to hit.
One will likely make SOME contact.
One will scratch and chew and spit.



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