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What it Means to be an American in 2009 and other hypothetical letters

by Dear Jon
March 17, 2009

Dear Readers,

Here is a sample of letters that I wish had been actual letters from my inbox. Take a gander and see if you're inspired.

Dear Jon,

Is AIG hiring? What skills are required to take an executive position with them? So far I can brag on my resume that I have a track record for risky, capital-losing investments, which seems to be the MO at AIG. My risky, high-stakes investment? A condo I bought just before the housing market collapsed. Now since I lost my job I am at risk for foreclosure. So you see, I could REALLY use the bonus.


Joe Homeowner

Dear Joe Homeowner,

I would suggest a short-cut. Stand outside the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. with a big sandwich board that reads, "I am an AIG Executive." Then see if members of Congress throw tax-payer dollars at you. They might not, but then again...

Dear Jon,

How is it that those who advocate a utilitarian view of humanity in the name and for the sake of "science," have won the rhetorical battle so that those who support the sanctity of life are painted as bigots, religious nuts and Nazis? Have people forgotten so easily that the Nazis were all about creating a hierarchical humanity which distinguished between the value of persons? Have some people forgotten that it was the Nazis who treated human beings as guinea pigs and subjected them to destructive scientific experiments against their will? Do people really not know that the Nazi ideology was pagan at its root and its expression --and paganism is making a big come-back right now -- and that it was the Nazis who swallowed Germany's churches, not the other way around?


Fearing Fear Itself

Dear Fear,

You naive twit. No one should be expected to LEARN anything from history. That would force us as individuals and as a nation into too much introspection. Who has time for that when there remains a hypothetical--albeit slim--chance that embryonic stem cells might STILL yield more valuable data than adult stem cells? So you see, it's not the science that matters. What matters is which agenda can spin the science better. Adult stem cells--that is just not sexy enough to pursue, because what we WANT is the tacit admission that the unborn fetus is not human person. Once we can get past that hurdle, why the sky is the limit! Such as eliminating bans on partial-birth abortions. Because THIS is the meaning of PROGRESS!

Here is the score card so far, just so we are keeping track of what it means to be an American since the end of January 2009:

1. We need PEACE everywhere and at ANY price (except in Afghanistan, where we will surge our troop commitments. Anyone want a history lesson on world empires and Afghanistan? Anyone?)

2. We failed in our patriotic duty to shop our economy out of the brink of recession under the "old regime", so under the new regime it is now our patriotic duty to do that spending through our taxes, in which we throw money directly into rat-holes while eliminating the middle-man. By eliminate we mean, of course, let him sink out of his business or out of a job.

3. Oh, and Rush Limbaugh is treasonous for using his free speech to express his dismay at these policies and his hope that a liberal President with whom he disagrees on nearly everything will "fail." That sounds too ‘old America.' What does Rush think this is? A Democracy?

4. It is now common knowledge, given the insinuations from the White House, that Organized Religion is Superstition. Let us all applaud the new dawn of an age of scientific enlightenment. Science, after all, is about pure objectivity. No one in the fields of scientific research need ever have to fear that their funding will be cut for drawing conclusions from the data rather than from an agenda. So just as the status of an embryo has become an open scientific question, so also has Climate Change and its Causes, Right? And the fossil contradictions to a Macro-evolutionary model, Right? And the reliance of leading atheist Richard Dawkins on an Extra-Terrestrial explanation for the evolution of life on Earth, Right?1 And whether productive applications can be found for industrial hemp, Right?2 And there will be plenty of money available for magnetic propulsion studies, too, since the applications of magnetic propulsion are manifest and evident at Coral Castle in Florida, Right?3 Because this is the New Golden Age of Scientific Objectivity. Right?4

4. And don't forget to call your Psychic Hot-line Counselor this evening since it is only $2.99 per minute, which you are happy to pay since that method is so much less obnoxious than superstitious preachers depending on the free choice of your donation which is why it seems like they are asking for money all the time.

5. Remember, prayer in schools is not the answer to declining achievement or to gun-shooting massacres or to epidemic sex-related violence. Those who would suggest any such thing are superstitious, naive, Nazi bigots! And don't forget to remove your watch when you go through the metal detector. Or else, you know, you have to go through it AGAIN and all those people ARE waiting in line. It's a matter of courtesy.

Dear Jon,

I'm a shy thirty-something male and I would like to meet the right kind of woman to share my life with. I seem to be striking out. Either I go to places where eligible women are not, or, they clam up when I work up the courage to say hello. So my question is: Do you have any good pick-up lines for me to use in an evangelical church's singles group?


Shy but Eligible

Dear Shy,

Eligible and Available are not synonyms. But here are some lines to try:

Hey, were you born beautiful or born again beautiful?

I have a Bible with the words of Jesus in red letters. It's back at my place. Wanna come over and see it?

Is it hot in here, or is that the fires of Hell stoking my lust when I look at you?

Out of nearly seven billion people over seven continents, you and I are here at the same party. The odds against that are so staggering as to make it miraculous. And every miracle IS a sign from God. What do you suppose it means?

Hi. I'm in my thirties. I love babies. I have a job and a car.

Hi. I'm a shy, quiet type. But deep inside, I feel things. I feel things very strongly. Feelings make a connection to people, you know?

Endnotes, from the paragraph about the Great New Golden Age of Science:
1 Ben Stein interviewed Dawkins for the movie "Expelled." Don't believe me? Think I'm exaggerating to be comical? Watch it for yourself.
2 As proposed by James Leroy Wilson, who is a nut--along with Ron Paul.
3 Also proposed by James Leroy Wilson, who is still a nut. You should buy his book. And mine too.
4 Take Dear Jon's advice. Watch Ben Stein's movie. You watched Al Gore's, so what do you lose? The only reason NOT to see Ben Stein's movie, is that in this economy you have to choose between Ben Stein's movie and Dear Jon's book. In that case, buy my book.

About the Author:
Liberals who will use today's article as an example to be concerned about equal time will please read Dear Jon's articles from the Bush-presidency era, and then shut up.

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