Dear Jon is going to have a perfect record for annual predictions, by keeping it very simple.
1. The Detroit Lions will win at least one game in 2009.
2. We will see a new crop of African American comedians recruited by major networks and comedy teams to do Barak Obama impressions in skits and monologues.
3. The idea MIGHT occur to Ben Stiller to arrange for an Obama impersonation using "black face," but Robert Downey Jr. will wisely turn him down, confirming how far he has come in his professional redemption.
4. Throughout the Arab world moderates will speak up in the courage of solidarity to say, "Israel is our friend, a light of democracy in a region of tyranny and despair. Our moderate Mullahs declare by Fatwah that those who belong to Jihadist groups calling for Israel's extinction, are not true Muslims, and unless they repent of their associations they are under the eternal curse of Allah."
Har! How I do amuse myself. Let's get SERIOUS, shall we?
5. Due to the moral cowardice of the majority of Arabs in the region, Palestinians will continue to support the stupidest, most noxious regime on the globe, the Hamas of Gaza.
We need to get something straight. The moral cowardice that plagues most of the Arab world is similar to what occurred during Hitler's rise to power. He NEVER received a majority of votes from German citizens on his climb to chancellorship, and everything that happened after that was --to state it simply --by coup. So the business we hear about "most Arabs in most places want peace" is valid only to this extent: that they must ACT! Failure to act means they become the cannon fodder for their regimes, the same as the citizens of Germany and Japan, of Dresden and of Hiroshima. This article is not about me hating Arabs who want peace. I don't hate Arabs any more than I hate Germans (actually I'm a deutschophile) and Japanese (who are my relatives). This article is about how our world REALLY works, no matter what agenda might be politically correct or in vogue.
6. Israel will continue to be blamed for defending itself. There will be a vast disconnect among Europeans and American liberals as it comes to the actions of Israel, and what other sovereign nations would do in the same situation.
A. Suppose for example that terrorists based in Canada infiltrated sovereign American territory and committed murder and wreaked havoc. The government of the United States would naturally seek to cooperate with our friends, the Canadians, to root out the cells and bring them to justice.
B. However, suppose that for 60 years a militant political party of Canadians has been adamantly calling for the destruction of the United States, and openly encouraging the murder of American citizens. Then suppose this political party got ELECTED by Canadians. Then suppose that this elected group, which has as its own stated and published platform the annihilation of the United States, began to fire bazookas at towns in Michigan. What would the USA do then?
C. The USA would KICK CANADA'S BUTT. We all know it. None of us would be happy if we didn't. So let us please allow Israel to defend itself the way we would.
D. But this is a far-fetched scenario. Canada and the USA are best friends!
Yes we are, and do you know why? Because westerners have this, I don't know, this THING called "moving on." You see Canadians and Americans have been in two full-fledged shooting wars with each other, each one threatening the other's existence. And there HAVE been a number of frontier brushes since those times. But, and I KNOW this is completely absurd to anyone living east of Istanbul, we actually made treaties with each other, and KEPT THEM! Now Americans and Canadians laugh about that nasty business in 1812, because it's nearly TWO HUNDRED BLINKING YEARS AGO. But in Gaza, Mecca and Damascus, two hundred years ago means the same as "approximately last week."
E. And to impose such a western value on the Arab cultures is insensitive and imperialistic. After all, who are we westerners to coach Arab nations that grudge-bearing through the centuries is intensely counter-productive and may be one of the key reasons that the 16th Century glory of the Sultanates was eclipsed by the western powers to begin with? How arrogant we are!
7. Due to the fragile relations with Muslim regimes in the global war on terror, the Obama presidency will try to appease Islamicists by rebuking Israel, for its "disproportionate response." Meanwhile, if the War on Terror has meant anything at all beyond giving our Big Government permission to spy on our own citizens, the Obama Administration will work back channels to try to figure out a way to cook the Hamas goose forever.
("Hamas" must be an Arabic word for "We're all really stupid!" Or maybe "We have rockets!" With a certain vocal inflection it could mean, "We throw shoes in your face, Democracy!).
I hope that Hamas will be ruined beyond recovery, and its legions of hate exterminated, before too much of 2009 has elapsed. But unfortunately Israel cannot act from thorough isolation, and unfortunately, most of the world tries to but the brakes on Total War with the goal of unconditional surrender. But total war towards unconditional surrender, dear readers, is the only way. Consider World War II and the unconditional surrender of the Axis Powers. Now Germany and Japan are prosperous industrial giants.
Consider everything since then: Korea, unresolved, tense and in danger of going nuclear; Vietnam, the first of several southeast Asian dominoes including Myanmar (Burma) which is such a paranoid mess the world could not even help them after their coasts were ruined by hurricanes; Iraq. We toppled the dictator and...we're still there...because it was an undeclared war with no definitive end-game. Friends, this is not rocket science. I pray that the international community allows Israel to win this war in Gaza. I predict that the international community won't, so Israel will once again have to settle for its own compromised security.
8. The only way to achieve victory in the War on Terror is to take the following steps:
First, Name the terrorist groups for which our nation vows extinction. Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah. Agreed?
Second, Ask for a Declaration of War from the Congress of the United States against these entities AND those nations, states and regimes which give these terrorists sanctuary, succor and support.
Third, Enlist China, India and Russia in an alliance with NATO against these terrorist groups and their sponsors, and the allied Jihadist groups that plague Russia, India, and China. Call it the Atlantic/Eurasian Military Alliance, the A.E.M.A.
Fourth, In summit meetings commit to the annihilation of these terror entities and the unconditional surrender of their sponsor states, through joint military operations, shared intelligence and multi-national jurisdiction over captured suspects.
Fifth, Institute the draft. Put the United States on a total war footing, including the rationing of petroleum.
Sixth, Speed up the development of alternative energy sources. Force the energy and vehicle industries to either release the patented technology they are sitting on, or to develop the prototypes and get them into production.
Seventh, Wipe the sands of Iran with the faces of its extremist mullahs.
Eighth, Bemoan the lost archaeological treasures.
Ninth, Let the peaceniks do their demonstrating.
Tenth, Tell Syria they are next.
Eleventh, Receive the unconditional surrenders of Syria, Sudan, Pakistan, Jordan, and the Palestinian Authority.
Twelfth, Tell them that their conditions are as follows: Bring us the heads, literally the severed craniums, of every officer and rank and file recruit of the Jihad movement, delivered in plastic bags by helicopter to Haifa, Israel, within six weeks. If you run out of plastic bags, we will airlift them to you. Failure to comply will be construed as a renewal of hostilities, and will be met with the force of nuclear arms.
Thirteenth, Tell Saudi Arabia and Egypt that they are not off the hook.
Fourteenth, Await compliance.
Fifteenth, Go nuclear, or show restraint, depending on whether the former sponsors of terror play ball or not in this new world order.
I predict that NONE of these steps will take place in 2009. We do not seem all that interested in actually "winning" the wars we fight.
9. It will not be very long before some nitwit from the pro-Jihad camps of Arabic journalism, creates some sort of a play-on-words-and-pictures with a composite sketch of an "Enemy to Islam, Ehud Barak Obama!"
(Jihad must be a participle having to do with one's head, one's hind-quarters, and the verb "being stuck").
10 A troop surge in Afghanistan, which Obama has been talking about as a necessity for approximately the entire presidential campaign, will be seen by American liberals as a "betrayal" of his supposed commitments to peace.
11. From that time liberals will be "suspicious of President Obama's true intentions." As though anyone who is running for president has secret intentions. Hello? You run for president because you want to be the most powerful kick-butt dude in the world! Does this come to you as a surprise?
12. Joe Biden is right about the test Obama will face internationally. Those who think Biden spoke out of turn on that score should refer to point nine and my guess-work definition on the participle "Jihad."
13. General Motors will not fold in the United States. As if! Although it is fitting that the Detroit Lions could not even manage to win ONE game in 2008.
14. Another football star's career is going to hit the skids because he doesn't want to "dis his friends." Which means more news stories of guns, drugs, night-clubs and strippers.
15. Another teenie beauty queen is going to fall off the deep end morally and psychologically. I'll be sick if it's Miley Cyrus.
16. After trying to find sympathy as a Nazi, which only a Scientologist would think could work as a career move, Tom Cruise's name will be "mud" in Hollywood. The thing is, I still want to see the movie. I'm a big fan of movies about plots to kill Hitler, the demolition of the Nazi regime, etc. So my prediction does not have to do with my own personal opinion of Cruise, who has been "mud " to me ever since he left Nicole Kidman.
17. "Benjamin Button" will not prove to be the vehicle to restore his sex-god image that Brad Pitt hoped.
18. Someone somewhere, maybe a feature writer at People Magazine, is going to figure out that Angelina Jolie is --well-- old.
19. I predict that if any Jihadist reads this, I will be decried as a blasphemer, a bounty will be put on my head, and a grudge will be held against me forever.
20. I hope that happens. I really do. I would love to be a martyr for free expression, comedy, letting by-gones be by-gones, you know -- the sins of the West, Great Satan that we are. So just in case there is any doubt that this might not be provocative enough, my invitation to all Jihadists throughout the world is this: To stick it up your Fatwah.
This concludes my predictions for 2009. Print this article and post it on your refrigerator so you can keep score!