Contact Us    
Sort 376

Dear Jon's Crystal Ball

by Dear Jon
March 10, 2009

Bookmark and Share
Sort 376
Dear Jon,

I just read through Sort 348, in which you predicted that Brett Favre's season with the Jets would end up vindicating Chad Pennington. Do you have a crystal ball, or are you a genius?

Your Friend,
Oche Dremon

Dear Oche,

As Dremon is another of this author's alter egos, I want to clarify for readers two things: First, that the name is pronounced "Okay Dream On." Second, that this is not an "actual letter" from readers, because the appellation "Actual Letter to Dear Jon" does not appear. So as you can see, the mailbox has continued empty.

Dear Jon did not want to leave his readers hanging for two whole weeks. In my absence last week the PO was able to dredge up some filler, an article from some guy named Jonathan Wilson called "Hitler in Rehab." You can tell that Dear Jon did not write that article, because had Dear Jon written it, I would not have been nearly so generous to either the Confederate Sympathizers OR the Hitler Revisionists and their twins, the Holocaust Doubters. Besides, Dear Jon does not look anything up. It appears that if Jonathan Wilson had felt the need, he could have produced a Bibliography about two miles long from the books in his own personal library.

The PO is acquainted with Jonathan Wilson through a related site, Cracking the Da Vinci Code, in which he demolishes the foundations of the esoteric movement as thoroughly as he does the  Hitler fan club. And then there is  his incomplete series of essays on the libertarian atheist Ayn Rand. Here Wilson is quite a bit more charitable with his opponents, apparently because he does not see that Libertarian priorities per se can be demolished. I had almost forgotten about those essays. I hope he gets around to wrapping that series up. Maybe he will have his opportunity to work them in to the publishing schedule if Dear Jon readers continue to leave  my mailbox empty.

Dremon, as far as alter egos go, is the eternal optimist. Another alter ego, Jon Dear, has not resurfaced even though, for a while, he had a schtick going with astrology that would have made a crystal ball question appropriate for him.

To answer Dremon's question, no, Dear Jon does not use a crystal ball nor does Dear Jon have prescience or a sixth sense. What Dear Jon has is wisdom. This is ostensibly why I am an advice columnist that you should consult every now and then with reader mail.

The wisdom of Dear Jon is a folksy kind of Mark Twain pessimism regarding the human race in general, and the ultimate destinies of favorite sports teams in particular. Dear Jon accurately forecast the outcomes of the Favre/Pennington soap opera. Favre turned the Jets around from a 4-12 team to a 9-7 team that barely missed the play-offs. This adds to his legend. Sadly for Favre, the last third of the season crumbled, along with his numbers and rating and play-off hopes, and the result is that his coach was fired.

However, Pennington was cut by the Jets to make room for him. Pennington suited up with the 1-15 Miami Dolphins, a division rival of the Jets, and led them to the play-offs. Nothing could have been a sweeter fulfillment of my prediction as far as I am concerned.

I made no guesses about how Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers would fare. Despite good numbers for Rodgers and a potent offense, the Packers had a disappointing season. This was due mostly to a defense that played well for the first 45 minutes every game, and then vanished from the field.

So if you want to be as wise as Dear Jon, there are three steps: 1. Be a sports fan who is pessimistic. 2. Read a lot at night. In other words, read more than you watch television. 3. In the morning be sure to get up from the wrong side of the bed more often than not.  For more pearls of wisdom --which is a euphamism for "advice"-- please write.

Post a Comment

Send Us Your Opinion
(Comments are moderated.)
Your Name:*

Your E-Mail Address:*
(Confidential. Will not be published.)


Note: In order to control automated spam submissions, URLs are no longer permitted in this form.

Please type the letters you see above.


Bookmark and Share

Dear Jon Letters: Tips for Dating and Mating
Temporarily Unavailable
Published July 21, 2008

Our advice humorist turns his attention and trademark wit to affairs of the heart in his first and very affordable book (only $8.95!).

More Information
RSS Feed for Dear Jon: RSS Feed for Dear Jon
Sign up to receive an e-mail notice when new articles by this author are published. Your address remains confidential, and you may cancel at any time. A confirmation email will be sent.

Your e-mail address:
po Books
Now Available!

Teachings of a Three Year Old... Turned Tyke,
by Hal Evan Caplan.

A father learns from the wisdom of his toddler.

More Information.

Reproduction of original material from The Partial Observer without written permission is strictly prohibited.
The opinions expressed by site contributors do not necessarily reflect those of the editors.
Copyright ©2000-2020 partialobserver.com. All rights reserved.
Home · Site Map · Top