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Election Unites Country, Provides Mandate

News report from the near future.

by Oche Dremon
November 17, 2000

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Election Unites Country, Provides Mandate_Oche Dremon-News report from the near future. WASHINGTON, D.C., SOMETIME NEXT WEEK — As the winner of the Presidential Election prepared to make a public statement today, politicians from both parties, as well as reporters and commentators, expressed their excitement for the future of government.

"This guy obviously has the backing of the people," said Trent Lott. "There is no doubt in my mind that everything he promised will be enthusiastically supported by both houses of Congress."

Dick Gephardt put his arm around Lott in a half-embrace and said, "I agree with everything Trent said. We have already agreed to set forward the President's entire legislative agenda before the Senate, without filibuster or pork-spending amendments."

The mood on the streets of American cities was euphoric. "Sure, I'm part of the 50% that voted for the other guy," said one voter in Van Nuys. "But so what? The best man won, obviously, because that's the way the system is designed. I can't wait to see what this guy will do once he is in office."

Meanwhile, voters in Palm Beach, Florida, cancelled their demonstration and instead signed a letter apologizing to Florida's Secretary of State for "being in such a tizzy." Said one senior citizen, "In my day, you screwed up, you dealt with it yourself and didn't complain. If I voted for Buchanan, it's my own fault. Nobody would have talked about getting a second chance to vote 60 years ago, let me tell you. Once I came to my senses, I realized this whole Palm Beach mob was just blowing smoke."

Outgoing President Clinton promised to brief the President-elect on all affairs of state.

ABC analyst George Snuffleupagus thinks this trend of happiness will only last longer. "This is a sea-change in Presidential politics. People agreed that with such an even split, their only option was to work together. I think these next four years will make history."

The losing candidate was effusive: "Clearly the American people have spoken, according to our system of government, the best system in the world. He won, I lost. What's the controversey?"

Meanwhile, stocks were up 300 points, although trading was light, because the whole world sees the value of American leadership as evidenced by the smooth transition of power and the promise of continuing prosperity. Chairman Greenspan said, "To hell with Pessimism. This gravy train is going to last at least another 10 years." Get on board, America!

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