Late-Draft Revision Divides Insiders.

NEW YORK (NY), Tuesday, September 23: President George Bush addressed the United Nations today in a blustery self-justification of American unilateralism. However, sources in the administration say that the part where he takes off his shoe and pounds the podium shouting, "We will bury you!" was cut from the speech in a late revision after Administration Wimp Colin Powell threatened to resign.

According to the speech, Iraq has been chosen by terrorists as a front in the War on Terror, and furthermore, the goal of the American occupation is "Iraqi Self-rule." Jacques Chirac, the President of Freedom, said in the Freedom Language, "Iraq was not a front in the War on Terror and was self-governed before the invasion." This was met with wild applause from the 191 member nations, while President Bush, arguing against such "historical revisionists," heard the acclaim of late-season crickets in the UN tulip bushes outside.

While Democrats rose to the occasion by accusing Bush of not begging the UN for money, White House insiders themselves admitted that the speech was an unprecedented disaster. "We should have done the shoe. THAT would have gotten through to them," lamented Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Wolfowitz muttered quietly in the background about that "milk-toast Powell and his multi-lateral views."

For her part, Condileeza Rice, although not partial herself to shoe-pounding at the United Nations, was willing to donate a pair to the President for the "heel effect."