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Straight Eye for the Metro Guy

by Dear Jon
February 3, 2004

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Sort 253_Dear Jon-Straight Eye for the Metro Guy ACTUAL LETTER TO DEAR JON:

Do you ever get questions with no greeting and/or name? What do you do with them?


Dear Jon,

I recently watched "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind," and I wondered if all our fascination with "reality TV" started with "The Gong Show?" Is Chuck Barris responsible for the decline of television programming, much the way he was thought to be in the late 70's?

TV Guy

Dear TV,

“The Gong Show” strikes me as a forerunner to “American Idol,” with Ed McMahon’s “Star Search” and even “Live at the Apollo Theatre” coming along in between.

Part of “reality television” has to do with filming. “The Gong Show” with its celebrity panel and cardboard sets is now considered cheesy. More realistic, apparently, are shaking hand-held cameras and videotapes of auditions in front of very mean people who previously had been anonymous and come across as unbelievably shallow . I wonder what, fifteen years from now, will be considered cheesy. “Can you believe the amateurish appearance of these shows? Why would anyone watch this stuff? And who cares what that guy thinks? It’s embarrassing!”


Dear Jon,

Should we men work on becoming metrosexuals? Is that what women want us to be?

Just a plain male heterosexual

Dear Plain,

The metrosexual is the straight man that women think is gay because he:

1. Cleans his apartment.
2. Dresses fashionably.
3. Cares about his hair.
4. Tries to smell nice.
5. Trades recipes.

The plain male heterosexual, however:

1. Lives in a dump.
2. Chooses what he is going to wear from whatever he can find on the floor.
3. Combs his hair in the morning and then never thinks about it again.
4. Thinks that perfume is for women.
5. Trades fish stories.

Between the metrosexual and the plain male heterosexual, the plain male heterosexual is more likely to end up with women because plain males are “projects” that appeal to the innate feminine need to make improvements. Metrosexuals are at a disadvantage because, being so good looking and civilized and interesting to talk to, they must either be gay or someone else’s improved husband.

When a plain male heterosexual asks a woman out, all the tensions and undercurrents are completely obvious. The plain male fantasizes that among the remotest possibilities in this chaotic world is the chance that he might get some goodies. The woman understands that, and a reasonably well-adjusted woman can wrap that dynamic around her little finger in the shape of a diamond. After eight months, playing her cards right, she has half-way civilized her fiancée. Otherwise, she has destroyed another prospect with an unintentionally cruel “friends” speech devoid of any meaningful connection to reality.

Women who are not well-adjusted with their boundaries have a whole other set of problems usually associated with addiction hot-lines, visits by police and restraining orders.

When a metrosexual asks a woman out, the woman is assuming that she is about to add another gay man to her list of best friends. Imagine the shock when the metro makes a move or tries to get a kiss, except that, of course, metros do not do that, because that is just so tacky, and men who are that shallow give all men everywhere a bad rap. Metrosexuals, therefore, have more feminine attributes than plain males, but this actually causes them to send women confusing signals.

A woman is frustrated by the plain male boyfriend’s monosyllabic responses to her most inward reflections. A woman is frustrated by the metro’s over-empathizing; rather than sharing himself, he wants to continue to be present for her. “This isn’t about me, this is about you. Tell me what you’re feeling now,” he says. This frustrates women, because they want men to respond by disclosing their most inward reflections.

Unfortunately, neither plain males nor metrosexuals do much inward reflection of the kind women desire. Women, you have heard this from a thousand stand-up comedians and Dave Barry. For once and for all, please get through your heads, that most males are thinking, at any given time, one of three thoughts:

1. What’s for dinner?
2. I wonder if I will get some goodies today.
3. Plain male: Trade for Hernandez? You’ve got to be kidding! We need help at short-stop! Metro: What on earth was the symphony thinking when they promoted Solchnitz to first cello?

One big difference between a metrosexual and an improved plain male heterosexual husband, is that metrosexuals will tend to be physically fit, whereas married man will tend to carry spare tires around their waists.

In my experience, the most successful players (guys who get dates) are Overweight Metrosexual Bachelors. These guys must not be gay because, after all, they are overweight. Once it is ascertained that they are, in fact, single, women appreciate them for dressing well and smelling nice. Being metro, they also clean their apartments and cook real food for themselves. They come across as big, safe teddy bears. Women fall all over them.

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