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Horoscope for the Week of August 19, 2001
Bad news for western states.

by Jon Deer
August 19, 2001

Horoscope for the Week of August 19, 2001_Jon Deer-Bad news for western states. Hello. In this week's horoscope, the spirit of my previous life, Bel-Darius Jonas, has gotten out of the zodiac mode, because of the incredible activity occuring in the astral plane. It is a relief to know that something is happening somewhere, since nothing has been going on in the news. This week:

Many of you who had birthdays last week will still be receiving cards this week. Some of them will carry apologies for being late. Some of them will not acknowledge that they are late. None of them will contain any money, but it is always a good idea to tip the envelope, just in case.

Do not be surprised by increases in your grown child's college tuition.

If you have red hair and freckles, August is still Summer enough to wear sunscreen when you go outside.

Expect Nebraska Football Fans to appear out of the woodwork with obnoxious colors and braggery in anticipation of the season opener this Saturday against Texas Christian University. Also, expect ESPN to profile major police-busts of football players at leading NCAA Division I schools this week. Nobody else will die from heat-stroke during practice this season, however. Well, probably not, anyway.

Fires will continue to burn in western states.

Rival factions in war-torn 3rd World nations will desecrate the American Flag this week. The first faction will be protesting too much American involvement, what with trade agreements and loans that the dastardly Capitalist/Great Satan thinks ought to be paid back, when the money, as any arrogant Gringo/Yankee Zionist ought to be culturally sensitive enough to know, has already been spent on kick-backs to the Generalissimo's/Mullah's ruling cabinet, since corruption is the only economy that works.

The second group of them will burn our flag because America is not involved enough, as we hoarde our money and invest in strategic priorities, like NATO expansion and self-defense against enemy missiles, instead of giving it all to the Generalissimo's/Mullah's police force to "fight the war on drugs" and create an infrastructure that would allow the harvest of the Annual Bean Crop in disputed, rebel-held territories. The third faction will be burning our flag out of a general sense that, if both the other groups which are bitter enemies of each other are blaming Americans, than both those groups must be right, and everything wrong with their country must be America's fault.

The fourth faction will be burning our flag because we have the military power to send "Peace-Keepers" into the middle of their Yankee-hating, Gringo-baiting, drug-dealing chaos, and we don't do it.

And that's the horoscope for the week of August 19. Reader Poll: How accurate has Bel-Darius Jonas been? Let me know!

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