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Dear Prince

Can Ya Lend a Guy a Hand?

by Sal Rosken
April 22, 2003

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Dear Prince_Sal Rosken-Can Ya Lend a Guy a Hand? Your Most Esteemed Excellency Crown Prince Abdullah Bin Abdel Aziz al Saud, Future Monarch of all the Saudi People, Great Custodian of the Holy Cities, Benevolent Regent of the Tribes of Araby, Steadfast Sovereign of the Shifting Desert Sands, Most Righteous and Just Bearer of the Sword of the Crescent and Star, and Most Plenary Potentate of Petroleum,

I, an undeserving and lowly supplicant, do most humbly and obsequiously, with the deepest and greatest abject prostration, submit this most unworthy request for your Royal Excellency's extremely gracious attention, singular consideration, and magnanimous assistance:

O.K. You see Prince it's like this: I'm planning on a little vacation with the Missus, and we both felt a trip to your country would do us both a world of good, what with all the stress and tension from the turmoil going on in the world today, and your country having all that Sun and Sand and such.

But there's just a wee bit of a problem. You see, neither the Wifey nor I are Muslim, or speak the lingo, so I say to my Little Honeybunch, "You know I bet that nice Prince fella we see on TV all the time, the one who says how friendly the Saudis are to the Americans, I bet he will help us". And she says, "What the hell, what harm could it do?" So Prince, I hope you don't mind; well, here goes:

First, the Little Lady and I would very much like to arrange a visit to those two Saudi cities Mecca and Medina as we’ve heard so much about how beautiful and interesting these cities are. Could you please tell us to whom we need to speak and how we should go about arranging that?

And while we are in Mecca my Sugarplum and I would very much like to visit that there beautiful Grand Mosque inside Mecca as we have seen so many pictures of the Mosque, the Pilgrims, and the Ka’aba, during that Hajj ceremony. Do we need to make reservations?

And Prince, I hate to admit it, but my Ball and Chain is a much better driver than I am, so she plans, make that insists, on driving our rental car during our stay in Saudi Arabia. Can you tell us what sort of Saudi driver’s license she will need there so she will be able to drive us around?

You know Prince, I heard it gets hotter than the inside of a Mexican tamale in Saudi Arabia, so my Little Snookums has packed her shorts and an assortment of short sleeved blouses to wear while sightseeing. And I don't mind telling you she is quite the cutie, if I do say so myself. Can you recommend any other clothes she may need?

And Prince, old boy, talk about coincidences, we found out some of our American friends are going to be in Saudi Arabia on temporary work assignments at the same time, so my Little Snugglebunny and I plan on meeting up with them and would like to surprise them with a gift of a case of wine. Don't you think that would be thoughtful? Can you please tell me how much alcohol the Saudi customs rules permit and what the duty would be for bringing a case of wine into Saudi Arabia?

Oh and Prince, my Sweetie Pie and I would also like to attend Mass on Sundays as my Better Half is a Catholic and would like to fulfill her religious duty while traveling in Saudi Arabia. Can you please provide us with a list of Catholic Churches we can attend in Saudi Arabia?

Prince, did I tell you my wife is quite religious and always travels with a Bible and Crucifix? I hate all the additional packing they involve, but what's a guy to do? Can we purchase a Bible and Crucifix in Saudi Arabia or must we pack them and carry them with us?

Prince, as you may have guessed by now my Little Dumpling is very religious. Well she says that the Saudi people are very religious too, so she would like to bring some Christian literature to distribute to the friendly Saudis while on vacation. Can you tell me where the best place would be for her to distribute that literature in Saudi Arabia?

Here in America we have seen so many happy Muslim immigrants practicing and
spreading the word of their religion with all of that Saudi oil money that we decided it was high time we found out what all the hubbub was about and see for ourselves the home of Islam.

Well Prince, I hope I haven't been bending your ear off, I most deferentially and with all the appropriate prostrations etc. etc., do most humbly etc. etc. and with the utmost servility etc. etc., and all that, most anxiously await your response.

Nice talkin' to ya Prince. Can I call you Abdullah? Lookin' forward to seein' ya in Araby Abby boy. And if you're ever in our neck of the woods, please don't hesitate to drop by for a cold one. The door is always open.

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